Hinge
The app worked. Once. It will not be needed again.
Authorised by the campaign to elect
KY
for Boyfriend
One month in. Running for the full term.
Sect. I — The Electorate
There is one registered voter.
The district is small. The stakes are not.
VoterRegistration
- Registered name
- Madeline
- Known as
- Maddie
- Precinct of origin
- Portsmouth, United Kingdom
- Current location
- Considerably better
- Dependants
- Andrew (cat)
- Declared interests
- Matcha, pilates, romance novels,
and everywhere she hasn't been yet - Party affiliation
- Undeclared
- Ballots issued
- 1
- Status
- Eligible, and very much awaited
Notes on the registered voter
Funny before she is anything else. Kind to people when there is nothing in it for her. Bakes banana bread unprompted and does not make a thing of it. Has never beaten the candidate at rock paper scissors and has never once stopped playing.
The campaign has reviewed the file in full and has no notes.
Turnout is projected at 100%. The candidate has been reminded that a projection is not a result, and has been unable to think about much else since.
Sect. II — The Candidate
Meet the man asking for your vote.
Ky is an Australian. He founded Purestream, which is a polite way of saying he sells water fountains to cats and has built an entire career on keeping small animals hydrated. He is aware of how this sounds. He has never had a proper roast. His English breakfast has been reviewed, on the record, in one word, and that word was not kind.
He is running anyway.
- Office soughtBoyfriend, first term
- OccupationCat hydration (Purestream)
- NationalityAustralian, non-negotiable
- Rock paper scissorsUndefeated
- PotteryUndefeated. There is no scoring system in pottery. Undefeated anyway.
- SingingBetter. Disputed by one voter, no evidence filed
- Proper roasts consumedZero
- Converted to matchaYes. By her. Immediately.
- Known associatesAndrew (cat, Portsmouth)
Sect. III — The Platform
Ten commitments to one constituent.
Costed, deliverable, and in most cases already happening.
§ 01
Frozen yoghurt, permanently free
Our first date was at Miyo and it cost her nothing, a fact she has worked into most conversations since. She turned up for free frozen yoghurt and got me thrown in.
Under this administration the yoghurt stays free and stays available. This is the founding promise of the campaign. Everything else is built on top of it.
§ 02
The Roast Accords
I have never had a proper roast. She finds this genuinely offensive, in a way I did not anticipate and have come to enjoy.
I submit to one, at a time and place of her choosing, and I will eat all of it. In exchange I want one more attempt at the English breakfast. The reviews were harsh and I stand by the beans.
§ 03
Matcha, fully funded
She got me onto matcha almost immediately. Full radicalisation. I am now a person who has opinions about it, out loud, to other people.
This is entirely her doing and I have no intention of recovering. Supply will not be interrupted.
§ 04
The Aperol reversal
I told her I didn't like Aperol. I said it with real confidence, the way you do about something you have never once actually thought about.
Then I had one in Tuscany and it was among the best things I have ever drunk. The campaign is issuing a formal correction. She was right, she was right immediately, and she has been very gracious about it, by which I mean she has not stopped.
The candidate's position now matches the voter's and will not be moving again.
§ 05
Andrew gets a fountain
Andrew receives a Purestream. Free, for life, plus whatever else he asks for.
I want to be clear that I am not attempting to buy the cat's vote. I am simply better positioned than any candidate in history to hydrate him. Portsmouth is a long way to go. It is a very reasonable distance to go for a cat.
§ 06
The banana bread reserve
She baked me banana bread, unprompted, and I ate it at a speed that concerned both of us.
I am formally requesting this become a recurring event. In return I will cook, and she can review it as brutally as she likes, which by now I understand is one of her hobbies.
§ 07
Continued support for the pregnancy
She fakes a pregnancy for work. I have decided to be extremely supportive about this.
The hand stays on the belly. I will keep asking how she's feeling in front of people who don't know. The performance is a joint effort now and I consider it some of my best work.
§ 08
Every stamp she wants
She wants to see everything. I want to see it with her, and I am not fussy about the order.
I'll go anywhere. Portsmouth included, though I'd like it on the record that I'm going for Andrew.
§ 09
A full and fair rematch programme
She has lost at rock paper scissors every time we have played and has never once suggested we stop. She lost at pottery to a man with no training. She maintains she is the better singer, which is the single least supportable position she holds.
She gets unlimited rematches, in every discipline, for the entire term. She will not need them. I want her to have them.
§ 10
The part that isn't a joke
I will be honest with you, all the time, including when it's easier not to be. You will never have to work out where you stand with me or read anything between the lines. If something's wrong I'll say it out loud.
You get to be completely yourself around me, and nothing you tell me ever gets used against you later. And when you need me somewhere, I'll be there. Not as a figure of speech. I mean flights.
That's the actual platform. The rest is frozen yoghurt.
Certain additional commitments have been made privately between the candidate and the voter and are not published on this site. They remain in force.
Sect. IV — Full Disclosure
A photograph has surfaced.
The campaign would rather she heard it from us.
The image is authentic. It has been described by the voter as, at different times, an ick and a red flag.
The candidate will not be apologising. They are comfortable, they are structurally sound, and he intends to keep wearing them for the duration of the term.
The campaign notes that the voter has continued to see him throughout, which we consider the more relevant finding.
Sealed record
97%
Approval among voters who have seen all four exhibits.
Unchanged.
Unchanged.
Sect. V — The Numbers
The polling is frankly extraordinary.
Independently conducted by the campaign, on itself, with a sample size of one.
Candidate approval
97%
Approve
Margin of error ±3%. The 3% is Andrew, who has not yet been briefed.
Head to head — if the vote were held today
Totals exceed 100%. Andrew received more votes than there are registered voters. The campaign is looking into it and has decided not to look into it very hard.
Candidate favourability — first month
Second date — surge
Week 1Week 2Week 3Week 4Now
A sharp and permanent movement is recorded partway through an Italian dinner. No corresponding event has been identified on the candidate's side because the candidate was busy.
30Days in the campaign
1Registered voters
1Free frozen yoghurts issued
0Proper roasts consumed
1Banana breads received
(formally insufficient)
(formally insufficient)
0Rock paper scissors defeats
∞Cat fountains available
to Andrew
to Andrew
AllFlights the candidate
is prepared to take
is prepared to take
Sect. VI — Endorsements
The coalition is broad and unusual.
“We met him about four hours after the Italian place, at a party, with no warning. He held up completely fine. That's the actual test and he passed it.”
“She talks about him differently than she talks about anyone else. That's all I'm putting in writing.”
“Undecided.”
Update: following a briefing on the Purestream, Andrew has moved to leaning yes.“He talks about her constantly. To me. Unprompted. At length.”
“I've watched this bloke commit to almost nothing for years. Then this. Make of it what you will.”
“Yes. Obviously. Next question.”
“Our cats have never been happier. We assume he is much the same in this area.”
“Nah yeah, he's alright.”
Sect. VII — The Record
One month in office, unofficially.
Miyo
First date. Frozen yoghurt. She paid nothing and has referenced this in most conversations since.
The Italian place
Second date. Somewhere in the middle of it I stopped thinking of this as dating and started thinking of it as long term.
The party, four hours later
Her friends, no warning, immediately after dinner. I have since been informed this was deliberate. See endorsements.
Pottery
I won. There is no mechanism by which a person can win at pottery. I won.
The banana bread
Homemade, unprompted, gone inside a day. Referred to internally as the turning point.
The quiet ones
Massages, nothing afternoons, staying in. Somewhere in here the dates stopped being dates and started being time.
Today
A website. Slightly too much effort. Entirely deliberate.
Keep going.
Swipe →
Precinct of origin
11°
Portsmouth
She has had a full month to sell it to me and has not come close.
Candidate of origin
31°
Australia
She lived in my hometown once, at a completely different time to me. We missed each other entirely, and she still admits it was better.
Ten thousand miles between where we started.
Neither of us was anywhere near home when it actually happened. We were both somewhere else entirely, at the same time, for no reason.
We met in the middle, in a frozen yoghurt shop.
About a metre and a half apart on the second date. That's the only distance that has ever mattered, and I've stopped being impressed by the other number.
And when it's Portsmouth's turn, I'll go.
For the cat, obviously. I want to be upfront about my reasons.
Exhibit A, properly
The candidate and the entire electorate.
Photographed on the second date, a few hours before he met her friends, holding a beer he had mostly stopped drinking.
Sect. VIII — The Ballot
Right. Dropping the act for a minute.
It's been a month. I know that isn't long, and I know how it sounds. But I got about halfway through that Italian dinner and thought, this isn't going to be a casual thing for me, and every week since has made me more sure instead of less.
I like that you're funny before you're anything else. I like that you're kind to people when there's nothing in it for you. You baked me banana bread without being asked and had me drinking matcha inside a week, and neither of those is a big thing on its own, except I keep bringing them up, which probably tells you something.
You read romance books, so I'm aware of what the standard is. I'd like a proper go at it.
So, Maddie. Be my girlfriend.
Official Ballot
One seat / One voter
Office of Maddie's Boyfriend
Mark one box only
Votes are final, non-refundable, and will be celebrated loudly.
You will be given the chance to break the news yourself.